You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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