why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
