Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.