I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
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My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
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He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture