Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
