Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
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You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
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Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.