everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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