Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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