i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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