Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
2020 sucks, I want a refund
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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