haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
