Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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