First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
