I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
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What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
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I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
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