I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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