so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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