This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize