Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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