You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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