I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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