Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
