My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
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just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.