We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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