He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
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She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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