I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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