Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
found the other keg... it's in the tree
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
