The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
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Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
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i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.