Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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