So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
