I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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