oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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