Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
