if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
