On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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