I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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