I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize