hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!