Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
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There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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