You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.