We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?