Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.