Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
