Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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