Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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