i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
