He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
