Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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