how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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