he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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