best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
25 Men Talk About the First Time They Went Down On A Woman
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
23 Ex Fraternity Brothers & Sorority Sisters Confess Their Most Insane Stories
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome