Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
