I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
